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Letters About Love and Relationships
Page 3

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Topic: More of What?

RT Wrote:

I was married for many years. My girlfriend says that because I was married for so long that I do not know what a regular woman needs. I give her all the things I have learned. I give her respect, friendship, being equal, space, consideration and I do not understand what she means. I need help.

B Responded:

Nor do I, so do not feel badly. You need to go to the source, meaning you will have to ask her. Only she will know what she needs in addition to love, respect, friendship, equality, space and consideration.

In my part of the country, your company would be in great demand. I feel safe in saying that with those characteristics you are in demand in all parts of the country. Talk with her and try to get specifics.

second time around

Topic: No Commitment!

TT Wrote:

I have been dating the same man for four years and we attend the same college. I feel it is time to commit to each other and get engaged.

I love him but when I mention marriage, he quickly changes the subject. He says I push too much.

I don't want to get married right away. I want to finish college. Is this a male thing? Why doesn't he realize how important this is to me?

B Responded:

This appears to be a case of 'you can get the horse to the water, but you can't make it drink' type of thing. You have him as part of a committed dating relationship (I can only hope for you), but you can't make him become engaged or marry you.

Your options appear to be few to practically nil. You will have to decide if you are willing to wait until he too feels as you do or if you rather look elsewhere. Constant bickering about this will probably destroy the relationship completely, so you need to decide what you are going to do and then accept it or do it, period.

No, I do not think it is just a male thing. It's a relationship thing, with one being perhaps more committed and ready than the other. I once knew a couple who dated for 12 years, beyond college, before marrying and there was never an engagement. She chose to wait.

I can only think they must be a perfect couple now as they have since been married that many years. I know of few people who would wait that long or who could think of that many reasons to put it off and the outcome be that good. It's not typical of most relationships.

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Topic: Online Love

AW Wrote:

I would like to know if there are many success stories of people who meet online and how their romances worked out.

I met a man several months ago. It started out as a friendship only, but now we make time every single day to talk. I would like your advice or maybe some places that tell about successes about online love.

B Responded:

There are a lot of success stories and stories period relating to online love and relationships. Simply go to any search engine and complete the field with 'online love stories' or something similar and you will be taken to various pages where you can begin your journey of knowledge in this area.

There are even entire web rings that list such sites. To join, you must have a site about falling in love on the internet. The one I quickly found was Sweethearts of the Web Ring at http://www.dreamcatcher.net/pond/rings/sweetweb.html. It lists 133 sites where others share their love stories.

Another site quickly found through the use of a search engine is http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Rue/7485/lovestories.html. It's an individual's webpage but links you to other online love stories.

My advice would be to also spend as much time looking for the horror stories online. You need to be aware of both sides. This said, however, I do think the internet can be a place where couples can meet and fall in love.

You just have to be extremely cautious and go very slowly, taking note of the advice all over the web, which includes know each other through email for at least a year; be sure the first meeting is in public; and don't go to your first meeting alone. Cautiously and slowly seem to be the keywords.

You actually don't have a clue who is behind that funny little internet name. It could be anyone, anything! Can you only imagine what a 'Ted Bundy' would have done if he had been online in his day? If you can't, you should.

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Topic: Popular?

IW Wrote:

I don't have a lot of friends and I am not popular in school. People call me ugly and mean and I believe them. Can you give me advice on how to like myself and make more friends?

B Responded:

You definitely need a better self-image. Some people work on their self-image all their lives, so it's not just you. Many need a better self-image.

What I've read is that the following are found to be the most attractive in someone in your age group:

a healthy look, physical activity and fitness, having other interests, having a sense of humor, the ability to laugh at yourself, having good communication skills, confidence and giving compliments.

Everyone is actually quite special in their own way. It is sometimes the others who are ugly and mean and not mature enough to know better than to be downright rude and offending. A good self-image will help you to ignore these people.

Decide what self-image goals you want to meet and start working on each goal (e.g., a healthy look as a goal, then start jogging each evening or join something athletic at school). Too, go read the biographies of successful people. You'll find that the Bill Gates, various movie stars, etc., were not popular either. Perhaps they were busy building those self-images and ignoring all those rude and average types. They did become successful people. Could you be like them? Maybe yes!

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Topic: Love is a Feeling

ED Wrote:

I don't get along with my husband anymore. All we do is argue. I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore.

I have been talking with a really sweet guy on email. I look forward to reading his email and hearing from him everyday. I dream of him. He has asked me to meet him in person and I agree to do that, then I can't.

Do I keep fighting my feelings or keep this marriage together for the children or what?

B Responded:

As long as you are looking elsewhere, then you are not doing anything to make your marriage better or to find that in love feeling. You married him to love for life including the good and bad times or boring times. The good and bad times are a part of marriage. One works to promote the 'good' more often than the bad. What have you contributed or promoted to the good of that 'in love' feeling you want?

Just because you marry, it does not mean that you will never again meet someone during your lifetime where the chemistry seems to 'click' naturally. Marriage doesn't protect you from that emotion.

A wise, committed partner, however, chooses to limit any exposure to such temptations and chooses to honor their marriage vows. They 'snap' themselves back to reality.

Only you can decide what you are determined to do for or to your marriage. You need to spend as much time trying to 'romance' your marriage as you are this new entity (email friend) and you might be surprised how in love you actually are with what you have at home! Will you?

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Topic: Friend or Foe?

UR Wrote:

My best friend leeches off of everyone, including me. She calls me and asks me to pick her up from work so we can hang out together, but it turns out she has me driving her on all of her errands only.

When we work together, she takes the easiest jobs. She takes things that we are suppose to share, without asking if I want my share. She's even made me late to work because she asked for a ride and then had me stop for things she had to do. When she asked me to be her maid of honor, I was thrilled until she started telling me about all the things she expected me to do.

She constantly talks about how bad she has it, when in truth her life isn't that bad. Most of her hardships are her own fault. She use to be fun, but she's a leech now. How do I de-leech her?

B Responded:

You add the word NO to your vocabulary. You can't change her but you can change what is happening to you. Start saying 'no' to some of these requests. Then add some honesty for explanations, if you choose to explain anything.

Examples: No, I can't pick you up this morning. No, I can't pick you up because you make me late for work and I can't be late. Don't discuss anything. Just state your 'no' and if you give an explanation don't defend it or debate it. Keep it simple yet firm.

She'll soon get the message and either start improving her behavior to save the friendship or she'll find someone else to take advantage of or take for granted as she has you.

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Topic: Smothering?

HS Wrote:

I am engaged to the world's most wonderful woman. She loves me as much as I love her. I have been laid off from work now, and I want to spend as much time with her as possible.

A couple of times she has said that I 'smother' her, and she needs time alone. She's never been married and is very independent. I trust her when we are apart, and she does get time alone, but not as often as when I am at work. This is our only problem.

B Responded:

If this is your only problem, then you've got it made! It's simple, get another job!

If that's not an option, then think about compromise, which is what good relationships are made of, and slow down a little in your enthusiasm and let her have more 'space' and alone times period. You may have to exercise some self-control that is hard to do when so in love but it can be done.

If you love her, then you've got to respect her wish for quiet times when needed, and especially while you have too much time on your hands. Good luck!

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Topic: Two Loves?

LU Wrote:

I am in love with two young women. One who I am sexually attracted to and the other who I have many things in common with such as music, baseball, and dancing. I don't know which one to choose and I have to make a decision by December. Which one do I choose?

B Responded:

You have plenty of time to let this decision work out itself. Many things can happen between now and this December decision time. Your choices may not be two as one of them may find they love someone other than you. You could be left with only one decision to make.

Too, you may find that in the next two months you will find even a third young woman that captures your heart. So, my suggestion would be to give this time and enjoy both. Surely your heart or circumstance will aid you in an ultimate decision.

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Topic: To Be or Not To Be?

WF Wrote:

I'm to marry in a few weeks to a man that I have been with for three years. We have broken up about three times, but we always got back together.

I know he loves me and I love him, but I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. Recently there is a married man that I see often socially and we get along very well. We have so much more in common than I have with my fiance. Should I cancel the wedding?

B Responded:

I do not know you well enough to know, but someone does. Find that someone (girlfriend, aunt, minister, etc.) and talk with them. It would make you feel better and perhaps you will find you can make a decision for yourself.

Marriage is about commitment. Most relationships have problems, at least from time to time. The only differences, in relationships, are what the actual problems are and how they are handled by both partners.

When there is a lot of love between two people, then they try to resolve the problems to the satisfaction of both. At the very least, they resolve them so that both can live with and through them.

It doesn't matter how much you have in common with a married man. He's simply not available for comparisons here. You have to decide if you are committed to the man you say you love.

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Topic: Give Advice?

CI Wrote:

I was dating a man for a couple of months and I was in love with him and he said he was in love with me. It ended when I caught him kissing another woman.

The problem is that he and I go to the same places on the weekends. He seems to flaunt his new romances in front of me. It does hurt. I do not flaunt my new romances in front of him. It is to a point that not only is it making me sick, but it is making everyone else around him sick.

Should I say something to him about his adolescent behavior? Should I just let him keep making a total fool out of himself?

B Responded:

Oh, by all means, let him continue to make a fool of himself, without your help. If he wants your advice, I'm sure he would ask, don't you?

I would ignore or avoid his behavior and rise above this situation. It sounds silly on his part and you obviously are lucky to not be a part of such. I'd keep it that way. Fools never listen to good advice just as they, obviously, can't identify a good woman either.

Have a Great Day!

Topic: Males and Females?

LG Wrote:

Do you believe a male and female can be just friends?

B Responded:

I absolutely do believe a male and female can be just friends. What do you think and I wonder why you ask?

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